Is it me, or does there seem to be more people these days that might be carnivorous space lizards, hell bent on controlling the Earth and systematically enslaving the entire population – who they intend to eat as part of some intergalactic sushi bar? You know what, let me dial it back a little and explain the concept.
The whole space lizard way of thinking was the brainchild of ex-football pundit and part-time messiah, David Icke. It goes a little like this:
Flesh-eating reptile humanoids, living in underground bases around the world, have infiltrated every facet of human life and are the key players in a world-wide conspiracy. In fact, many of the world’s leaders, decision makers, cultural icons and royalty are decedents of these space lizard people – who according to Icke, originated from the Alpha Draconis star system… which is, for those that are interested, just left of Krypton and two hundred yards before the Death Star turn-off.
Now, I’m currently living in Portsmouth, England, and while this place does not appear to be one of the hive locations for the space lizards, it could well be twinned with one. So, as perhaps the only genuine human (keep your jokes to yourself!), living in Portsmouth, I need to ask a question… where is the real downside to this theory?
I mean, how cool would it be to have space lizards walking around, staffing pound shops and creating government policy? What a hoot! Prime Minister’s question time would be insane. Just imagine the BBC broadcasting our beloved PM lying under a giant heat lamp, with the Defence Minister shedding skin and all the back-benchers eating flies, cockroaches and other examples of junior minister. Say what you like about the licence fee, but I would certainly watch it.
Joking aside, what is the lizard conspiracy against humans – apart from wanting to dip us in hot sauce and chow down? What could be worse than that? Are they going to wreck our rock solid banking system and plunge most of us into negative equity? How about dragging our arses into questionable wars with other lizards from sunnier, middle-eastern, climes? The best conspiracy theory I heard was along the lines of the secret installation of a government no one actually voted for, and is working against our better interests and systematically rear-ending us into oblivion… oh, hang on!
How about the proliferation of an endless stream of mediocre talent shows, designed to slowly brainwash our kids into manufactured consumers who are controlled by social media and influenced by Justin Blabber and Miley Montana? Is that the best shot they have? We’re already living that shit and guess what, I’m still standing.
And if their plan is to simply turn Earth into a posh gastro-planet, what’s so wrong with eating humans? It wasn’t long ago people were losing their stupid minds about eating tuna because the nets were also catching dolphins and asylum seekers. We’re so limited in our taste. We can’t eat swan (only the Queen can – another lizard!), monkey chunks don’t actually exist (but sound yummy), and beef will send you crazy from cow, hoof, swine-avian flu or some shit.
Maybe it’s time to enter a new food group into the mix and get ourselves some earlobe stew with dick mash. If we have any doubts on the health implications of eating orange-coloured Essex drones, try feeding it to those bastards on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here – they’ll swallow anything in return for a contract to sell frozen food on national television.
And how about when these space lizards die, just think about what we could do with the skin. You could have a lizard-skin suit made from the remains of William Hague, a bunch of nice wallets from Prince Phillip, how about a whole fucking closet from the Kardashians? We need to do something with these things once the MTV gravy train runs out, why not recycle and look fashionable all at the same time.
I guess what’s more worrying is not so much the prospect of space reptiles controlling the planet via their New World Order, but the fact that so many people are gullible enough to believe such horse-shit.
I’ve done minimal research into this, I just couldn’t bring myself to verify facts on space creatures that live underground and hold civil service jobs. But with that said, and from the little research I did achieve, it seems some 47 countries have vocal supporters of David Icke’s theories and rainbow-thinking bollocks. Icke himself regularly preaches the word to hoards of paying clowns crowds. The guy has built a very nice line in seminars, books, and public addresses. It’s amazing, such influence and power sounds vaguely lizard-like – maybe Icke is nothing but a scaly-skinned traitor to his own people… lizards… whatever!
Perhaps the best statistic comes from our brothers and sisters across the pond. A poll taken in 2013 calculated that over 4% of Americans believed in David Icke’s theories – I’m guessing that 4% were all lizards, or tourists from Portsmouth.
Paul Millard 2014
(First published in The Spoof – February 2014)
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